The Victory Shot

There are a few givens that can lead a man to drinking: divorce, death of a loved one, and the use a voice-activated phone menu system. Even the most tolerant will find themselves throwing the phone across the room after they have had to repeat “check account” sixteen times to hear the same voice repeat again and again, “I’m sorry. I didn’t get that.” Succumbing to screaming, “No kidding you didn’t get that. You are a goddamn voice without a brain - so how could you possibly GET THAT?” You walk to the bar because nothing cures a broken soul like a cocktail.

Sitting on your barstool feeling slightly ashamed that you are the only person in the bar mid-afternoon, you start to wonder whose idiotic idea was it to have you clearly shout your account number and password repetitively into the phone. What was wrong with pushing the buttons? Obviously there is a lobby by Identity Thieves of America to keep up this practice, as there is no doubt they are all over Washington doling out gifts and promising senators favors to keep this system alive.

It seems like a no win situation, but really you just need to keep control. Next time, just start saying random words so when she says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t get that.” At least you understand where she is coming from. Some of my favorite lexicons are shuttlecock, giblet, and haberdashery. I also like to ask certain questions like, “Do you know who shot Kennedy?” or “Where does your soul go when you die?” If you are lucky, you speak a foreign language and can ask things like, “Ertu alltaf svona pirrandi?” which is Icelandic for, “Are you typically this annoying?”

That way you have the upper hand in the situation, and isn’t this what it’s all about? Eventually, if you confuse the voice enough it will put you through to a real human at which point you are justified to spend the next ten minutes repeating, “I’m sorry I didn’t get that,” to every question they ask you.

After this tête-à-tête, nothing will warm your heart more than knowing the voice didn’t win. And a winner always deserves a victory shot.

Victory Shot
1.5 oz tequila
.5 oz blue curaçao
.5 oz fresh squeezed lime

Shake and strain into a shot glass.

Everything happens for a reason

My apologies for not writing for so long.

So the past six months - no entries. Well, here is the brunt of it. I tried to buy the bar I was managing, I loved that bar more than I’ve loved anyone except for my husband and my immediate family. I put every single extra minute I had into making it perfect, making it fun, making it inviting, and making it a place where people enjoyed coming night after night. It was mine except it wasn’t mine because my name wasn’t on the title, I didn’t sign the paychecks, and I didn’t own the tables or the glassware. I wanted it so much and it showed, one of my very good bar regulars approached me about helping me buy it and so we moved forward. After months and months of looking at numbers, talking to the owner, and putting together a new business plan - I thought it was a done deal. I had no doubts that I was going to own the bar, it was just a question of a time frame.

One night in September, my husband and I went out to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We had one of the best meals we’ve ever had and were also celebrating that we were going to own the bar soon. I came home to find a message on my voicemail from my boss (the owner of the bar). I was drunk and tired and decided I would listen to it in the morning. I called him in the morning to see what was going on and I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was just done with me, that he didn’t want me around anymore. He didn’t say this, but I knew it. I had spent the past three years running his business, I knew him probably as well as anyone does or ever will. I met with him and he told me that he wanted to change the direction of the bar that he wanted it to be more food oriented. He said that he still was hoping I could buy it, but he didn’t want me to be the manager anymore and that he was cutting my pay. So stunned, I left. I had done nothing but grow his business. I won five best of awards in the local paper that year. I ran the busiest bar in town, I always heard, “Everyone is slow compared to you. Everyone must be here tonight.”

I loved that bar soooooo much, I loved the staff I had hired, I loved the cocktails that I did there, I loved the space, and I loved my clientele. But I never did much like the man I worked for. I had never seen him end a relationship well and I knew that going into buying the bar that this could happen. I just never thought it could happen to me.

I went to work that night, I guess to try to piss on the territory that I thought was rightfully mine. But it wasn’t mine, it was his. And he made it clear by spending the whole night on his phone in front of me changing passwords, door codes, alarm settings, safe combinations, etc.

I knew that some good friends of mine were looking for a new bar manager at their restaurant - a beautiful restaurant where I knew I could still do my cocktail list and have some autonomy, so I talked to him the next morning and just like that - I left my baby. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and I cried for days and days about it. For weeks, I couldn’t walk by it without tears coming out of my eyes. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I wanted that bar.

But they say all things happen for a reason (which is a saying that I hate since people only say that when bad things happen). But the economy went to shit in the same week. I didn’t risk everything I had in a very unstable time. I work now where I am making more money and I am so much more appreciated. I forgot how it felt to be appreciated because it had been a long time at my old place of work. I also was lucky that my staff followed me to my new bar - so thank you girls. Every night they make work so much fun and so much easier. They are smart, beautiful, funny, charming, and witty and I cannot tell you how fortunate I am to have them work for me and be a part of my life. And now we have turned this new bar into the hottest place in town. We have broken all the records behind the bar and liquor sales are up 42% on the weekends and 23% on the weekdays. I’ve cut liquor costs by 11%. It feels good to have cleaned this new place up and it makes me see that what I did at my old bar - I can do anywhere as long as I am given the freedom to do so.

Next time something a little more light-hearted.

Making bacon infused vodka and bacon infused bourbon. Also doing fruit caviar - the presentation is sick. Can’t wait to break that out in the next couple of weeks. Otherwise, trying to figure out what to enter in the Vegas mix off contest - wish me luck.

Cheers!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I am gone.

Your EX - Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steak seven years ago.

I turned away from you when you had those silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $20 from me that morning and your new silk boxers were $20.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for 60 Million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Aman Pulo somewhere in Palawan. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born CARL. I hope that's not a problem. Change is good.