Sunday, October 21, 2007

Attack of the Flu

For the past three years, October has brought a debilitating fit of bronchitis to me. I scurry around sick people year round without as much as a cough and then at the end of each October I suddenly cannot breathe when lying on my back and find a certain satisfaction when coughing up hard balls of mucus. I fantasize about never getting out of bed and watching television game shows until I have figured out the pattern on Press Your Luck. I watch the side of the bed become a cesspool of used tissues and use my sickness as an excuse to have food, books, magazines, and vitamins delivered to me by my husband as if I am some sort of invalid.

And it is with this state of body and mind I worked for the past three days. As alluring as it would be to not move and just sleep, I have no choice but go work eight to nine long hours on my feet in a busy bar. Smiling, laughing, joking, without coughing, sniffling, or lying down. It has been a real challenge to my showmanship and a real game in patience. Fortunately, we were busy but not to a point of any real challenge. Last Saturday was absolutely insane and I was behind the bar by myself. So I was glad to have another bartender on last night and I was able to sneak away and get some other stuff done, in particular change the cocktail menu.

I’m excited about the new drinks I’m putting on. The first called HucklePeary which is 44 North
Huckleberry Vodka, Grey Goose Pear, a dash of Gomme Syrup, and a little bit of fresh grapefruit juice.

The Second is called What’s up Doc and is Organic Carrot Juice, Ginger Syrup, a dash of fresh squeezed lemon juice, and Yazi Ginger Vodka.

The Third is called Pomoru Shu and is Pearl Plum Vodka, a dash of Crème de Casis, and Hou Hou Shu Sparkling Sake.

The Fourth is called Chai-Tea-Ni and is Voyant Chai Tea Liqueur, Vodka, Cinamon Nutmeg syrup, and a hint of cream.

The Fifth is called Red Curry and is Bicardi Coconut Rum, Ginger Syrup, Lime Juice, and a splash of Mazama Pepper Vodka to give it some heat.

And regardless of these fancy cocktails, a $33,000 bar top, and a clientele made up mostly of retired golfers, lawyers, doctors, and other professionals. Somehow some sort of sleeze can always find his way through the door. One such creature walked through the door last night, so sloppily dressed I thought he was a cab driver because I had fares waiting for a cab. But he ponied up to the bar and ordered a Grey Goose on the rocks. The other bartender poured it for him and I went about tending to other things. Not soon after, one of our favorite customers who is the chef at a neighboring restaurant told me that the sleeze was annoying the women next to him. I decided to do a load of dishes and then deal with it, and at that point the women got up and told the sleeze that he was freaking them out. I moved the women to a table and let the guy sit by himself for a moment. But within seconds he was in the midst of the chef’s conversation with his friend. His friend was sitting next to the sleeze and the sleeze asked if he wanted to go to the strip bar with him. He replied that he would have to ask his wife, the other bartender. The other bartender isn’t his wife but replied that she keeps a tight leash on him and that he couldn’t go to the titty bar. The sleeze then proceeded to bop him in the side of the head. He replied, “Don’t hit me in the head.” And the sleeze said, “You can hit me in the head, but I’ll hit you right back.” So I looked at him and said, “You have annoyed two women to a point where they don’t want to be in the bar. Now you have invited yourself in a conversation where you are not welcome. Then you proceed to hit this person on the head. You need to go.” He asked if he were getting kicked out of the bar because he wasn’t leaving. So I went out from under the bar, grabbed him by the hoodie and pulled him out the door. He put both of his arms out and grabbed onto the door so he couldn’t leave. And I looked at him and asked him if he wanted me to call the police on him. And he still was grabbing on, so I pulled one of his arms off the door which caused him to fall because he was pulling all of his weight from the doorjam. By this point three men were standing there ready to save me, but fortunately once again, I didn’t need saved.

So that was the highlight of the night. And today, I haven’t got out of bed once.

Cheers!


"My doctor told me to take something for my cold."
"What did you take?"
"His Coat!"

Monday, October 1, 2007

Who likes it up the ass?

About three months ago, a blond guy in his early thirties came into the bar with a friend. In a fit of extreme anxiety he blurted out, “Do you use fresh herbs?” Since I wasn’t quite sure if he was trying to get the name of a reputable drug dealer or a mojito, I asked him to repeat himself. He replied, “You know, fresh herbs.” And I asked what for ? And he said, “You know for your drinks.” You would think that the six mojitos with delicate mint leaves floating in them right next to him and a full glass of luscious picked mint would be enough to answer his dense question, so I replied, “No, we use plastic herbs with a special time-release crystal that makes your drink extra fresh and minty!” The guy replied, “Well you’re a sarcastic one aren’t you. Actually you are just obnoxious.” And I told him that he was right and there was a bar just right across the street for arrogant ignorant equally obnoxious bar customers where kind loving tolerant bartenders would be nice to him regardless. And with that, the guy became a regular.

Jim does contract work at the hospital and comes in to town about every two weeks. The third time he came in, he was with a fellow contractor and ended up sitting next to two blatantly gay men who were opening a high-end fashion boutique in town. Jim just happened to go to the restroom in between the two guys giggling and taunting one another, when the lispier of the two gay men asked me if Jim batted for their team. I have moderate to good gaydar, but certainly not as good as someone who actually takes a chance shoving his dick up a straight man’s ass. Since I hadn’t put that much thought into it, I told him that I didn’t know.

A few weeks later, Jim reappeared with three well-dressed men who were all joking about where they get their hair done, who has hotter abs, and what they like to feed their cats. I couldn’t believe that I had missed it, obviously Jim was gay. There was no doubt and to confirm my new found suspicion he stayed late with one of the men drinking until the bitter end at which point they made plans on meeting at Jim’s hotel room. The next three times Jim was in, he was hanging out with this guy.

Only a few weeks later, Jim came in with some of his workmates. One of them started chatting about his dog which led me to gush about my dog, the direct result of childless people in their 30’s owning a pet. Jim’s friend claimed he was the same about his dog, allowing the mutt to rule his life until he had children and learned to put the dog in its place. Curious as to how having children had affected his marriage, I changed the subject from the dog. Which of course led to him gibbering about how darling his two babies were. Out of the blue, Jim piped in how absolutely adorable his son is. “You have a son?” thinking that this is a remnant of the days before Jim took strangers home from the bar to blow him. “Yeah, he’s four months and in reply to your question it has brought my wife and me closer together too.”

Yeah.

If any young beautiful women would like to marry Yakov, he is having a wedding on August 8, 2008 for himself. He doesn’t have a bride yet but is excited for the wedding.


There were these two friends, one who was gay, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them.

St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her.

The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time."

St. Peter decided to give the man a station wagon for him to drive around heaven.

Now it was the second man's turn.

St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her.

The man replied, "Actually I'm gay, but here's a picture of my lover, and I never cheated on him."

St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven.

After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your lover on a skateboard."